I'm sorry my penis didn't work
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Yes. I masterbate to Harry Potter. It's what our generation does.
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
