I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
I smell like Dick and happiness
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
