Someone shit on the floor
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
javelin tossed one of my crutches in to the mosh pit at the concert, hit some dude in the temple hahah fuck him he sucks
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He's so twisted that he's acting out Dragon Ball-Z by himself. The Tanquray and THC combo doesn't play around.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
so he's a sleeptalker.
yeah??
"Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell" right in my ear. 2 am.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
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