She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
