The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
17. The number of times my one night stand told me he loved me.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
