I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Well I woke up at my house so that's a plus. But I'm pretty sure I peed on my sofa because I woke up in the pee position.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Randomize