I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY
handstands? WTF?
she was a gymnast
go to hell.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
Randomize
