If I pass out leave the food near me so i can wake up to it
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
