the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
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