I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I hate that the only Italian aspect of me is I get red and sweaty when I drink
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Made it just outside my dorm and yack on the front dirt. Wave to a dad thats staring, continue on my way.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
