So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
I didn't really understand how big 10 inches is. Now I know.
Randomize
