The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
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