Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
