K, im just throwing this out there, i am not making out with any of his friends... Especially the cross eyed one.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Definitely broke my toe and messed up my knee walking back. Drink hitch hiking should never happen again.
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Randomize
