Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
