you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Also... I'm unsure what to do with my face while someone is choking me during sex. Like I feel like its hard to look flattering.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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