I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
I'm too high and old for this...
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
while on the topic of showers...why is there apple juice in our bathtub?
Randomize
