Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Randomize
