just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
I'm not coming to work today because tequila
I need water and some morals
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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