If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
everyone who works at gamestop is basically destined to live with their parents for the rest of their lives... so i said no.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
