I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow
so basically your not goin out tonight?
who said that?
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
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