I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Are we still banned from the library?
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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