worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
He was literally screaming at me for using the same knife to scoop the peanut butter and the jelly.
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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