this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
WHY AM I THE ONLY ONE CONCERNED ABOUT THE SEAGULL IN THE OVEN
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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