Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
Randomize
