Apparently you make a good broom.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
Randomize
