I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Would you go as one half of Harry and Lloyd in Tuxes to Aaron's wedding?
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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