There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
he just fucked me for my cheese..
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
He kept spinning my wedding ring like thanks buddy I remember
It wasn't as awesome as they lead everyone to believe. No stripper. Ran out of booze. The chipmunk. He was real.
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