She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Randomize
