Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
Can we just talk about how awesome I am. I just slept with a new guy while listening to the previous guys bands cd.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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