drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
