All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.
Buying weed with grant money. God I love college. No other time are we presented with these opportunities.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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