I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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