I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
sleazy september. first one with mono loses.
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I literally heard an 'oh my god' when the shirtless Tongan appeared.
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