Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Say thank you and give him a blowjob.
Randomize
