mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I just know... :) goodntight
Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.
She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
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