hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
I literally am filling up a victoria's secret bag with stuff that would give my parents a heart attack to hide in my roommates' room. This is being an adult when parents visit
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
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