She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING
you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
My RA just sigh me high as fuck acting like a zombie and scratching at my door. Thoughts?
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize
