3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
The sex was so bad. I kept sending people snapchats of my face during it.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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