Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
