found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Go christen that room with your naked body.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
