i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
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