What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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