This old guy in denny's is sitting alone and he is looking at us and laughing for no reason
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
my god I love twenty year old dicks
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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