Kiss
Puke
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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