and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
He had all the grace of a fucking hippo and the emotional control of a five year old
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
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