I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
I want your cock.
All we are is dust in the wiiiiiiinnnnnnnnnnd
him and the cab driver we buy e from got into a fist fight, about which show is better, futurama or family guy.
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
