If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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