What a fucking waste of an outfit
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
