if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
I'm quitting my job and I'm just going to become a professional drunk girls mistake.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Randomize
