Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
dude, best porn name ever, "the Hunt for Red Cocktober"
Yeah! I got cockblocked by the blizzard last night. Lost girl on way to my apartment. Not a joke
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
You told them that the brownies were safe, and then pointed to a passed out Ryan and said "see?"
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
