To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I heard that clinking noise from behind me and I already knew you were whipping out a Smirnoff in class. Again.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
