i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
I'm going as either a recovering alcoholic, or as a guy who came to the party straight from work. Too literal?
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
