AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
Randomize
