According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
I AM VODKA MAN
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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