Scared. last time someone tried to talk me into they said it tastes like tapioca and i projectiled onto a closed window
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
The guy in the next stall screamed courtesy flush and then puked. Bless you Vegas
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
