Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Anytime he goes down on me i automatically think of you cheering me on. Your a good friend.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
