i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
I'd do that. But we would need storm trooper helmets.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Randomize
