Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
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