I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Naked. naked and bneed help.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Oh god it's open bar.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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