just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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