you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Randomize
