ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I don't know..He walked out of your room with a kraft single..and blood on his shirt...He really wanted cheese.
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
