I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
if this hangover is indicative of how 2011 is gonna be, i want nothing to do with it
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
