You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
Find me a date. With a beard. I want him to rub his beard on my tits. I'm not even into that stuff but I think it'd be so warm.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Randomize
