6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
We go out and drink, fuck, and I stay the night. He agrees to it because he knows I'll hook him up to IV fluids in the morning. Everyone wins
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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