Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
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