You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize