tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
