I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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