Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
